Oops

Yeah sorry about that. Where was I again? Ah yeah discussing how good Krakow would be and how much I couldn't wait for the summer to begin. Well Krakow's done and it was indeed good. The summer is up and running too and is already a blur of shenanigans, hangovers and general mad cap frolics. So pretty much like any other time of the year.

Again i've been reluctant to actually write updates these days. Maybe i'm just bored or it could probably be due to the fact i'm actually so lazy to sit myself down on the computer. Actually thats a complete lie i'm always on the computer if i'm not actually outside in the 'real world'. Maybe its because i've got nothing to write about?

Usually most people would be inundated with stuff to write about if:

1) They had experienced a tragic year- check
2) They were incredibly funny- check
3) Lived a rather peculiar and often ridiculous existence- check

Maybe I only make updates once i'm content and living a boring existence. Which technically makes me a shocking writer. But after not knowing the difference between then and when i suppose we always knew that.

So what happened in Poland I hear you cry. Well before i get bored by writing a hefty update and refuse to make anymore updates again for ages...i'll quickly summarise the holiday in bullet point fashion

- Public urination
- Abduction by taxi driver
- Falling out of said taxi and cutting ones arm
- Being abandoned by friend in search of polish beauties (he did say sorry but its still a good story)
- Free meat from a hostel
- Many drunken nights in bars jam packed with polish people who seem to love english people

Most of the above bullet points were caused by the 60% vodka shots we found in a bar cleverly titled 'wodka'. It was a beautiful bar where me and army spent many a romantic evening together slowly toasting our livers away with strong polish vodka straight. The poles didnt like people adding coke or anything else to their drinks. I wasn't going to offend them by doing this. You dont go into someones house and urinate on their carpet. So you don't go into someones country and offend them by urinating on their carpet. So i didn't dilute my vodka.

Though in all fairness I did technically urinate on their street and a little on myself. But we don't need to go into details. Oh and the whole being kissed by a woman who looked like a man. Or a man who looked like a woman. But again we don't need to go into details about that.

Last night i went out for my team leaders birthday. It was all very fun and lovely until everyone i was out with had actually gone home. Being half drunk I still wanted to stay out so randomly gate crashed my team leaders birthday night out alone and took excessive amount of pictures whilst drinking at the bar.

When I woke up this morning I thought i'd been well behaved. Until I saw the texts i'd sent. Until I saw the pictures i'd taken. Which included drunken jibberish to people from work, a text that included the word 'help me...' and a picture of a woman wearing a rather scary mask. Oh and a picture of me and a toliet attendant. But that always happens.

I've woken up today not with a hangover but what I can only describe as the early symptons of man flu. Which would usually trigger days off work if i hadn't agreed to do some 'floor walking' in bootle. The word 'floor walking' generally gives away completely what i will be doing. I'll be walking up and down a floor. Should be an exciting week ahead.

So for tonight I shall lie in my bed and watch my cable television whilst avoiding any mention of football. Yes Newcastle will be relegated. I hope you're all happy.

So let me end todays entry with me viciously word pwning the generic football fans who will be happy on this sad day.

Generic football fan: "Yeah i wanted newcastle to go down! Scum! haha"
Me: Whys this though? Why do you want them to go down?
Generic: Cos! ....
Me: Yes?
Generic: They think they're a big club!!
Me: How do they?
Generic: Their fans think they are!
Me: Okay explain you subhuman speciman. How do they?
Generic: They always expect good results!
Me: They haven't won anything in 40 odd years. Do you blame them? They're the only football club in the entire city. They've spent millions of pounds. They regularly pack out a 50000+ football stadium. Why shouldnt they expect success?
Generic: (laughs to cover his total ownage) Cos!!
Me: You make no sense you dreadful waste of humanity
Generic: They wear no shirts in the stands!
Me: Well okay thats pretty annoying but probably less annoying than seeing an empty ewood park or JJB stadium with no fans at all in?
Generic: .....(looks away)
Me: Fact of the matter is people want Newcastle to go down as they ARE a big club. They have a massive stadium, massive support and if we led properly they may well be successful. But they're run by a fat ape. I see a lot of jealousy from football fans. Especially the 'smaller club' fans who could only dream to fill their pathetic worthless stadiums.
Generic: But i support (big four side insert here)
Me: Well maybe you want to get rid of any club which could potentially cause a problem in the future? Maybe you want a bunch of west broms or birminghams in the league? So its easier? In the end I hope you enjoy pointless matches no one cares about verus wigan, wba, birmingham, fulham, boro, bolton in tiny and worthless stadiums with an attendance smaller than my phonebook. Against clubs who are just happy to finish 12th or 13th. Yes you'll laugh but in the end of the day its you who will need to watch the shitty games. Meanwhile i'll be watching the fifth most watched league in europe in a game against blackpool....jealous? I hope so.

Until the next time we meet my friends,

King David