As ridiculous as the above recap is it's actually very true. As absurd as my life is at times it sometimes does even surprise me.
I went to work yesterday on the back of 4 hours sleep but thankfully not hungover which turned out to be a small miracle due to the day absolutely dragging. I even managed to grab some flexy at the end of the day (basically extending my day and banking time I can use a later date) which had to be a pretty stupid but brave decision.
After getting out of work i was pretty excited about the night ahead. A few drinks on board a boat where matt was playing. What could really go wrong?
Firstly, this might sound a bit stupid but i'm counting it because this is my website and i can count whatever i want, my mcdonalds dinner was absolutely crap. Priorities David priorities. But still absolutely cack. I'll tell you why. I hate huge scally famillies. It's like they can't stop breeding. What's wrong with contraception? Not cool? Personally I think condoms are cooler than the other side of the pillow and make great subsitute balloons.
In McDonalds at the front of the queue I saw a very large fat scally woman with something written on the napkin. Behind me a rabble of charging overweight kids chasing around the restaurants. Suddenly I made the connection. This fat woman was the mother of this tribe and the napkin had the food order.
My heart sank...suddenly fast food became slow laboured food where I stood in a queue waiting 10 minutes for the fat mother to place her order. How hard is to ask for 7 happy meals. Pretty hard for this woman who kept stopping herself constantly and shouting to one of her bastard kids to "shut up or i'll get ya dad to batter her then we get in". What didnt help me anymore was the fact the people behind the till were beyond crap at their jobs. A dead decaying fox could have shown more wisdom. And the food was crap when i did get it.
But enough about mcdonalds and scally families.
Lets progress on a bit further into the night. Matt's band were playing on a boat moored in the albert dock so I met up with will, dave and martin for what should have been a lovely night for drinks, fine boats and perhaps beautiful desperate women. I should have clicked onto what would have happened after seeing some 15 year old "boys" who were queuing to get in start to vomit and collapse after probably only a few sips from a can of cider. Perhaps the people who own the boat and the bar inside who host numerous gigs which attract many wild teenagers may have some rules in place to protect themselves from police spot checks for underage drinkers.
They did.
The whole "anyone over 18 needs to show ID to get the magic ribbon on their arm in order to drink" was a policy i didn't see coming but probably in my blind ignorance i should have.
My policy on ID is i don't carry it. My ex used to shout at me for being ignorant about this but personally my belief is at the age of 22 years old if i'm going to be id'd by a place i'd rather not drink there.
Whilst i probably could have scammed many drinks the whole being thrown out for not having said magic ribbon and being 22 years old made me decide probably it would be better to hightail the boat and head into town to meet up with Pete and army. Euro 2008 was a good subsitute and enough to keep my spirits high.
Unfortunately it was at this point in the night that tiredness set in and the realisation that I felt incredibly dirty. You see I had a bath 8pm Friday night. That was 24 hours ago and I'd already been on another night out during this time. Why didnt i grab a bath earlier this morning? But then i remembered why. I wanted the extra sleep...i.e i'm a lazy bastard. So i feel horrible at this point and my mood sinks lower than my pants during a night out.
Thankfully a trip to the toliet and a meeting with the toliet man helped out. You know the guy who sits in the corner of a toliet with a silver tray expecting money to dry your hands. I gave the bloke 3 quid (because i was drunk and felt someone for him as someone had just abused him...). I thought the rule would be if i gave money i'd get some aftershave...no i didnt he just nodded at me. I felt humiliated. This man had the potential to save my night he just needed to stop being a cock tease with his aftershave. I had to be the man and step up and ask.
"Some squirty squirty" I enquired in a rather filthy tone looking back.
As the words left my mouth the man looked up at me smiling
"Calvin Klein"
With that I was energized and smelling better. He even squirted my crotch which is probably the closest someone has come to that area in a long time....
I was boosted at this point which eventually led to us going to heebie jeebies and my meeting with steph from big brother. You know the one who got evicted first. The blonde girl. Yeah the blonde scouser with little intelligent. Nice girl.
She was reportedly sighted and obviously being a drunk wanker i had to get a picture with her. Her team of "minders" which consisted of about 3 blokes who looked about 20 and an old man wearing glasses and carrying an umbrella blocked my path. He rejected my kind offer of "picture with big brother girl". But then seemed to pity me.
"Only if its more than 2 people"
Army!
I charged at poor armstrong and pushed into the middle of the group of people. Facing this z list celebrity i did what anyone did. I tried to play her ego. I knew at this point i was the bigger star than her (well come on!) and after stating she did 'really well' in big brother (height of bullshit lies) I managed to convince her to get a picture. But only if her friend was on the picture. I think maybe to stop me selling the picture to zoo magazine and pretending i was dating her? Hasn't she ever heard of cropping pictures? And the fact that I'm asexual. Plants and animals have more attraction for me. Well not really but you get the idea...
My night ended with me being incredibly drunk and stupid a mixture of drink and tiredness. Thankfully kev mc was feeling tired too and rescued me to leave me with pained and exhausted memories of a bingeful weekend.
One has to love cameras they capture the essence of every night...
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