People always ask me "David how do you live your life. I want to live my life like you as you're so bloody amazing. How do you do it? ". I always give them the same ten point plan I do anyone wanting roonlightenment.
Here it is. Follow these rules and you won't neccessarily have a happy life nor a successful one. But you'll have many good times...
1) Have no shame.
A hard one for many people to grasp. Shame is what keeps us from accomplishing many things and having fun in life. It stops you talking to the mega hot girl who is about as far out your league as humanly possible. It stops you from video recording yourself asking Quentin Tarrantino if he supports Middlesborough. It stops you from tripping over every lamp post and looking a prized twat just for the chuckles of your companions. Why do people get so scared about being laughed at by people? You won't see these people again. You could be dead tomorrow! Life is too short to be an uptight arse. Go running down the road with your pants down your ankles and feel the thrill of life on your ball sack.
2) Be a Clown
Ah the role of a clown. This goes hands in hand with the shame aspect. You have to have no shame in order to be the clown. Every society or social group has a clown figure in it. The role of a clown is an individual desperately seeking social acceptance and wanting to be the centre of attention. I guess the first point is how i became the clown. The second part is still true even now. Some people are the leader in the group, some are the clever ones, some are the athletic ones, some are the womanising ladies men...i'm the clown. No matter where you are the clown will usually attempt something stupid. He can be infuriating at times but at other times a life savior. I've tried to have another role. But my clownness comes straight from my Dad. It's a genetic fact. I am the clown.
Yesterday in work someone asked me how i deal with the the bad times in my life quite so well. I advised her on the humour as self defence mechanism I use before she replied "Ah the tears of a clown...". I chuckled at it. I think it means basically I'll keep laughing until I turn away from the audience and the one solitary tear falls down my face...i found that quite amusing.
3) Never show emotion. Surpress all bodily feelings.
Ooh the controversial final point in todays class this one is going to get the thousands debating...or hundreds...okay it'll get will talking. I've done the whole emotional business back in 2002 and 2003 as I attempted to reinvent myself from the clowning persona after the first taste of personal tragedy...it didn't work. In fact it led to the birth of "Year 12 David". The sad, depressed, loner who would rather walk in the rain listening to U2 with or without you than sit joking with the companions. What does emotion bring? Nothing. You accomplish nothing by showing your emotions. In fact it's a sign of weakness your enemies can use against you...well okay thats a bit over the top but still it doesn't accomplish anything. Whatever has made you sad in the first place is still there even if you discuss, contemplate, pain over it for 72 hours with some poor soul who just happened to ask how you were. Plus once you open the door of emotion it keeps pouring out of you sucking you into depressed coma world.
If you don't show emotion you don't get burnt or hurt. My advice is shut up and play the mysterious clown card. People might never get to understand you but enough penis jokes should make them not care about that!
Next time i'll discuss points 4-7. If you follow the first three however you're well on the road to become the emotionally stunted but hilariously funny RoonMeister apprentice.
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