01/01/08

January 2008. What can I say about this month? The month that changed my life forever. People always say 'what is the period of your life that stands out the most'. Now most people say 'marriage', 'birth of a child' or some other happy event. But to me the day which stands out the most, the moment which stands out the most, will be January 1st 2008. It's the month where everything was set in motion. Where my destiny was decided. Where fate dealt it's hand to me.

Sometimes whenever I get angry at life I ask what higher power is in control of life why he didn't give me just 1 day in 2008 where everything was normal. Where nothing changed.

There I was December 31st at Rob's house party doing the usual routine. Dancing about, acting the clown and drinking excessively. So in a way nothing new at all for me. Yet I have a longing for how I felt back then. That was the last day I felt real. That might sound completely cheesy but it's true. That was the last day I felt alive. I would do anything to return to that day. I would live that day over and over again if given the chance.

There I was counting down the time excitingly surrounded by my friends eager for midnight to strike so I could celebrate a new year. A new start.

10, 9, 8

There I was toasting will for us both to have a good new year. Little did I know once that clock struck midnight it would all change.

7, 6, 5

A final few moments of an old year which was slipping away with every second. A year in front of me which would do it's best to break me. The last few moments of this feeling of happiness, of feeling alive.

4, 3, 2...

We cheered the clock. There I was urging time on. Urging my own demise.

1...Happy New Year.

The cards at that point had been dealt. The dice had been rolled. It's weird the concept of fate. Little did I know what was in store for me at that point. If i had known i don't know what i would have done. January 1st had all kinds in store for me. It'd be a day which would literally change my life forever. There I was celebrating it's arrival. Life is utterly bizarre at times.

I wake up the next day at 9am in my girlfriends bed. I had a weird feeling to check my phone. I can't explain why. It was just a feeling of uneasiness. I shouldnt have even woken up. I never usually wake up early especially after having so little sleep. I reached for the phone and played the answer phone i'd got.

"David get to the hospital now dad's been taken ill"

The journey there was a blur. My Dad had been acting weird the past few days before. Acting confused and dazed. He had lost weight recently. The optician had spotted something he wasnt happy with during an eye exam and had referred my Dad to a Doctor the following thursday after new years day. But never did i think there would need to be a hospital visit.

As I ran through the corridors I turned the corner and saw it. My Dad asleep in a bed my mum next to him. I sat with him for the next few hours as nurses came in and out. What could be the problem i thought? A stroke? We had suspicions it could be. My Dad was acting okay except his speech was being affected by something.

The Doctor approached and in we went into the relatives room. It's weird at this point I actually knew it was bad news. For the first time as we made the short walk into that room I thought to myself this isn't a stroke. This is something worse. I knew the next few moments would change my life forever and ever.

"A brain tumour"
"Too large to operate on"
"Shadow on the lung could possibly be lung cancer"

Fate revealed it's cards to me. A full house. I had no response to that. The crying began and if i'm truthful it never stopped this year. For me though no tears fell. They didn't fall then I was stood opposite the bed of my Dad's body 9 months later. It's not a mature thing and it wasn't then. I wish I could cry. Maybe my subconscious kicked in with my Dad's words then we found out my Grandad was dying

"Be strong, family is the most important thing in the world"

I kept hearing those words and put my arm around my devastated mum and sister. They were now my priorities. So my face did not bow. The tears didn't come. They still don't. As i said i wish they would it would mean i'm back. Instead of a hollow empty feeling which is all I feel now.

Emma picked me up later on and i went home and made food walking around in a daze. I could tell she was worried about me because of how i was acting. Keeping myself busy by cooking most of the food that had been bought for the day even though there were only two of us now to eat it. I was in a state of shock.

Was this real? Surely not! My Dad has cancer. Cancer. This isn't meant to happen to me? There was no warning. This wasn't meant to happen at all. I was meant to watch my parents get old. Make them proud of me. He was meant to be a grandad one day. There was so much we hadn't done. These thoughts ran through my head and the underlying feeling of THIS ISN'T REAL.

New Years Day 2008. The worst news of your life happens at the start of the year. You know at this point the plans you had for the year have gone out the window. You can't help but think your year is cursed can you? Again the same old question I have now. Why not give me one day of normality with my family. Would one day have been that hard for the higher powers to give me? I lay in bed that night staring up at the ceiling thinking what else would be thrown at me. How right now we had a fight for my dad's life i wasn't certain we could win and so oh very scared for the future. Terrified in fact. Not sure I was strong enough to cope with the responsibilities I had in front of me. That I wasn't enough of a man.

On January 1st my whole world ground to a halt. Everything froze. Everything I knew before hand was wrong. My whole life stopped. Then it restarted again on January 2nd 2008 everything was different. Never again can I go back to before how things were before 1st January either physically or mentally. Everything is different.

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We all know what happened after that. My Dad was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer shortly afterwards. The brain tumour was operated on in fact and partially removed but it's damage had been done. My Dad would have 5 seizures in the resulting months which would cause more spells in hospital. He passed away on 1st September 2008 in hospital.

But in essence he died on January 1st. Mentally I lost my Dad that day. The man I spoke to afterwards was a very confused and different man. It broke my heart to see that. Watching the long drawn out process of cancer is heartbreaking and cruel.

In the end I prayed for him to slip away to end the pain. Again in these experiences of life ultimately shape us. January 1st changed me. I class the years 0-16 as my childhood. The years 16-22 as my 'teenage years' and January 1st- onwards to be a totally different era of my life. Whilst that one day has shaped me the resulting illness changed me forever. Watch someone you love get weaker and die in front of you and come back to me if you disagree. Walk into a room and see you dad collapsed on the floor not breathing. The endless battle of whether he's going to die today or not. That. Changes you.

I wish i could go back to 31/12/07. I can't. I now have to push on and adapt to how i feel and the people i have around me now. That's hard but it's my ongoing challenge heading into 2009. Not to return to my old ways, i've changed too much now, but to adapt. More importantly to live again.

That was the most emotional piece i've written because i had to go back to the day itself and return to the emotions I felt. I know it probably makes uncomfortable reading for a lot of people and people might question why i did it. Therapy perhaps?