Of course the main part of my personality would be the joker. The guy who makes people laugh. Uses humour to supress his own emotions, to make people like him, to make people laugh through a fundamental need to appeal to others and to himself and the idea of using this humour to cover his own insecurities. It's classic joker behaviour. You name any joker, fool, stand up comedian or anyone else who remotely attempts to be funny and the basis of their personality is parts of, if not all of the above. That's a pretty easy one to work out about me.
But what people don't know about me or might not know completely is the part of my personality I class as my 'hero complex'.
| Hero complex | ||
| A term used to describe a person who wants to be, above all else, a well-known hero. | ||
That's the only definition I could find. Well obviously I'd like to be a well known hero, but wouldnt everyone? That's like saying 'he'd like to be a millionaire'. Everyone would want to. Which makes me reject that definition. Yeah you heard me. I'm rejecting that definition.
My hero complex is much more complicated. It's the principle that in life i am fundamentally good but flawed character. A guy who is the centre of the storyline of life and above all is a 'good guy'. Perhaps i'm trying to simply reassure myself.
It's the person who feels like he's responsible for everyone elses pain. That then people suffer from natural illnesses and death that he could somehow have done something to help ease their pain or ultimately save them. Not by some heroic act but by some deed or task. It's the guy who's haunted by these various dreams and images.
It's the guy who one day keeps daydreaming that he'll be able to prove himself to those who wronged him. That a crisis will occur where he has to save the day, take the bullet or save a life and make people see how he truly feels/cares/or loves them and makes them realise their mistakes and makes them see how he sees the world and how he sees them.
It's a complex life for a hero complex. But ultimately an amusing life. If you see yourself as the star of the show, as the main event as the potential saviour it can lead to you having a mega ego (like yours truly) even if maybe you'll never get the chance to prove anything to anyone. That maybe you'll never get to show through actions how you feel for certain people and how the bad guys in life usually do triumph. Life isn't like the movies and it isn't black and white. But it sure is one heck of a ride finding out.
That managed to kill about 20 minutes of my christmas day which is a damn good thing. Christmas day is fast approaching its climax and i've had enough turkey to last me a good while. Spent the rest of the day on MSN for the 5th consecutive year with Armstrong and went on a rather surreal walk through the streets of Aintree at night.
I don't think it's christmas. I have little to no festive cheer. So it was surreal if not a little spooky walking around the empty dark streets thinking about how far i've come this year. Walking past the lit up houses and seeing the families inside eating dinner. Being an outsider looking into all the merryment going on. A bit how i feel about life. An outsider coming to terms with his lot and attempting to fix things his way. Slowly but surely.
Above all hoping that this time next year i'll feel myself again and be able to turn on those Dean Martin songs again. That my mind and body will allow me to "step back inside" again and feel the warmth of life instead of being the one looking in walking the same dark lonely path. That i'll get the chance to prove myself to people. To right the wrongs i've felt I got given and make people see how i've felt (the hero complex). That i'll get my shot at redemption.
Now that my friends isn't a depressing notion or a sympathy seeking message. No my friends that is the basis for 2009 which could be a damn good ride. Onwards and upwards I say. Into the great unknown!
Until the next time i feel the need to terrify you with my mental entries/waste some time/get emotional/get heroic or just generally type out a lot of shit...best seasonal wishes to you all!
No comments:
Post a Comment