Breaking up and everything else in between

Another important event in the year? Obviously the impact of breaking up with my girlfriend of 2 years of Emma would be high up on any list of impact hits I took this year. Not neccessarily the actual break up but the timing of it and the fact I then had to adapt to a totally different world.

Maybe I should have seen the break up coming if i'd paid more attention. But then you have a terminally ill father and having to be strong for your sister and mother your eye slips off the ball for a bit. If i had paid attention maybe i would have noticed it was ending and prepared myself more for it.

At this point in my life I was the emotional rock to my sister and mother as we tried to adjust to my Dad being back at home and needing 24/7 attention and care. Emma was completing her university degree and in the middle of exams so I saw her less. Deep down I wanted to see her loads during this period but remained strong and let her get on with revising. You see the beauty of the relationship at this point was she was the person I leaned on. Whilst I had to be strong for my family I had a closeness with one person I could share anything with. I could share my worries and thoughts with her.

Contray to what this blog is becoming like (an emotional, uncomfortable, whiney rant) i'm quite a closed book then it comes to emotions and feelings. I don't think I did share anything very deep about my thoughts with Emma but the idea I had someone I was close with who I could was more comforting than you can imagine. Then the whole world is seemingly losing their heads. Whilst the whole world to you has suddenly gone crazy with everything going on you had one bit of stablity left in it all.

Then it was gone.

Relationships end every day and people go through it. I was the one who ended it but after a long in depth chat I had no option but to end it.

But suddenly after it was all done and dusted I suddenly felt very alone. Not because of the fact I was now single. Not because I wasn't surrounded by people, i had a house full with people constantly. Nope I felt alone because I felt I had lost someone who truly understood me during the chaos of my year.

Returning back to being single during such a crappy year was quite a challenge. I lived in the next road to my ex girlfriend. We saw each other almost every day for 2 years. Was it too much? Probably. Having to return to sitting watching tv alone or sitting on the internet writing silly blogs (like this) was a challenge. I got there eventually.

I have nothing but good things to say about that relationship. 2 very happy years with her and I thank her for that. The only sad thing to come from it is that fact we don't have anything to do with each other now. For two years she was my best friend. The timing of our demise was bloody awful but it can't be helped, absolutely not. It was my own decision not to remain friends as I countered it would be too hard. Not to have a best friend during the collapse of everything else, that was hard. Maybe it was all for the best. Maybe ex's can never go back to being friends. It just seemed a terrible shame of someone who actually finally knew me. I'd been searching for someone to finally crack me for 20 odd years before then.

Now our communication consists of gentle banter over an asda till or then i get drunk and text everyone randomly (yeah people sorry about doing that so much...) or at least attempting to text Emma and actually texting her house phone and waking her family up (yeah sorry about that one holland's). As i've mentioned you wouldn't recognise this world I live in now if you'd come straight from 2007.

Maybe it was all for the best ending. My life was different what with everything happening with my Dad. My focus had to be on my family. I had changed after the events of January 1st and I'm still a different person now. Not neccessarily a better person. A wreckless, often foolish person trying to find his way in the world again. Everything was changing. It would have been ignorant not to think there would be some consequences for things around me. Once the support beams have been removed you can't expect the walls to stay up. My walls were at this point falling in on themselves.

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The result of all this? As i've mentioned before my friends stepped up and took the brunt of the resulting fall out. Not that they took the role of a girlfriend or anything...in weird sexual things or anything...not that way.

One of the nights that stands out is break up night. Being able to call army and getting him out within 2 minutes of a phone conversation. Brilliant. I went into town and got destroyed. Conversation was limited to just brief sentences as I stood dazed and stunned again sipping on a double vodka. A night that will forever live with me!

Another event discussed and underlined. My next few entries will focus on some of my social activities during the year as I attempted to keep my mind off the bad things (not the cleverest thing to do when you're feeling vulnerable...) it led to some amazingly funny stories to tell you all about. So until then just feel happy i've discussed the deeper things first...