Holy ****! A movie based on my year!

Directed by Paul Armstrong and financed by Peter Tideswell's beer fund this movie has classic independent film award winner written all over it. A movie based on the sad decline of my fortunes this year and all the madness what occurred in it. Dramatic, tragic, heart warming with a little bit of wit and some partial nudity involved. A movie that will make you cry, laugh, feel a little suicidal and even pee just a tiny little bit into your pants.

Think of a dramatic blockbuster advert for a movie. Dramatic music. Dramatic lighting. With various cut scenes from my year being played to advertise the mega movie. But with every scene being overplayed dramatically to be ultra cheesy serious. You know actors who are acting so hard but are in fact not very good at acting. With the following words being spoken...Obviously the movie won't exactly be truthful to what happened. Creative license and all that.


(Filmed in a moody black and dark to reflect the mood of the film)

*The first scene is me sat at an Asda till as Jimmy Brannigan looks at me with pity*

Jimmy: "You'd be a pretty cold bastard if you didnt want revenge for the death of someone you loved"
Me "i dont think the dead care about vengeance. Me and this man have some unfinished business"

*Cut to Central Station*

Guard: First thing u shud know about us. is we have people everywhere

*Pans back to my house*
Mum: what the hell is this organisation rooney. how can they be everywhere and be such massive jobsworths?

*Zooms to the blue angel with a blue angel barmaid holding a bottle of wkd blue*
Blue Angel barmaid: this is the worlds most precious resource, we need to control as much of it as we can. There will no blue wkd sold here anymore

*Back to my bedroom i'm on the computer with kevin mcevoy. Both wearing handsome shirts and sunglasses*

Me: Who is he?
(You see kev loading up facebook)
Kev: he is a person of extreme interest

(Hospital ward)

Doctor: we have already begun destablishing your life
(dramatic scene of me punching the wall after said quote)

Random woman: You know who Rooney is and you want to put us in bed with him
(Armstrong nods head)

(We pan next to a street in the middle of the night. It's raining and you see Rooney walking staggering up the middle of the road. He's obviously hammered)

McGuinness: get in
Me: fine

(Dinner party event. Rooney wearing tux. Evil smug guy is standing up in the middle of the room. Everyone is quiet. He is pointing wildly at Rooney)

Gavin Henson: conform with this one Mr Rooney she wont go to bed with you unless you give her something she really wants. Fake emotion.
(smirks arrogantly)

(Me and will are in his car. Pete is in the backseat. He has a cut on his head)
Will: i think someone wants to kill you Rooney

(It's pop world. Rooney is collapsed in fetal position with Armstrong wildly dancing around. Suddenly music stops. Kate Rugen gets on the microphone)

Rugen: You two do make a charming couple though
(It pans on me and armstrong looking drunk and emotional)
Rugen: You're both whats the expression? Damaged goods.
Rooney: It's the year!! I lost everything!! *Screamed with me on knees*

*Standing on street corner on a random road. It's night time. Again*
Rooney: it seems we're both using that girl to get something.
Dave: Whats that?
Rooney: Acceptance. To remove the self loathing I feel now. To feel alive.
(Both nod even though scene makes no sense)

(It's a country field. Rooney wearing smart suit with no tie. He is staring up at the sky. A pretty girl is with him. She's been making advances. Rooney knocks her back dramatically with a push to the floor. She looks up lying on the floor)

Girl: You lost somebody
Rooney: i did
Girl: You catch whoever did it?
Rooney: no not yet
Girl: tell me when u do. i wanto to know how it feels

*Back to my bedroom. McGuinness is packing a bag. He scraps with Hatch who try to stop him. The audience is left wondering why McGuinness is packing a bag for Rooney in his bedroom*

(Will hands bag to Rooney in next scene)

Will: when you cant tell your friends from your enemies its time to go

(Rooney breaks into Maricourt High School. Approaches Sister Mary Thersea)

Rooney: right now i think your the only person i can trust.
*Nun nods her head*

(Large empty warehouse)
Martin: david move your ass *screamed*
(Camera pans out warehouse blows up in your token hollywood explosion scene)

(another attractive girl is pointing at rooney's chest)
Attractive girl: i wish i cud set you free but your prison is in there.

(Finally camera darkens and Rooney is a room. Hands on head dramatically. He's just had some news)
Rooney: You don't have to worry about me

We pan back out. The fall of David released this fall appears on screen. Two lesbians start making out. A huge explosion of fireworks and I strut back on the screen naked cupping both my bollocks.

*Finit*

I think i should probably say now that the above was ripped off a real movie advert and i merely changed a few words around to make something good. I'm not that weird. Obviously i'm a bit weird. But not mega weird.

Until next time,

Muchos gracias.