Through strange circumstance

It's getting late into the night and as you may already know i have a bloody busy day tomorrow to deal with. To be honest though part of me is fighting the urge to sleep. Once i wake up i will have to face up to the strange circumstances that life has thrown me this year and accept them as reality by attending the funeral of my Dad.

How did this ever happen? Writing such a sentence is absolutely mind boggling. It doesn't make sense nor do i doubt it will ever.

Right now I probably deep down think my Dad will return into the house and that at the moment he's just in hospital for a few weeks. The enormity of the fact he's gone and i won't ever see him again is both bizarre and unacceptable. I can't accept it.

Do we ever accept death? Surely some people must judging by the tears people shed over deceased loved ones. I still haven't shed a tear. Is it a macho male thing or is it, this is the rather pathetic bit, that i'm so immature that out of everyone else around me i'm the single person who cannot accept what has happened as reality?

I try to heroically paint over all this unemotion by suggesting that i'm being strong for my mum and sister out of the advice i got from my Dad back in 2002. Maybe in a way i am. But i'm beginning to suspect it's purely out of the fact i haven't accepted his death. Will i ever? Or will i continue to sleep walk through this lifes existence with a cheeky joke and merry innuendo disguising the fact that deep down i haven't a clue what's going on. Who knows. Not that i'm getting depressed. Far from it. Everyone loves cheeky jokes. My Dad certainly did and as i've said before i've learnt all this from him.

I just find my behaviour currently to be quite interesting and i'm sure a therapist would too...But then again i think i've always would have been an interest to therapist. Spinning on the floor, continous need for attention and the whole alter ego thing...

So I face tomorrow with dread. I can picture it now. Having to be sociable to a lot of people i've barely spoken to and say the same speech over and over

"Really upset but relieved in a way as it went on for so long and his quality of life was low"

You don't know how many times i've had to say that. I've practised the speech so much now its unbelieviable. Do i actually mean any of the words i speak though? I don't know. I don't know what i feel.

This blog is turning into quite a baffling philosophical chat about death and emotions. As i've said before i hate those type of blogs. But writing has been cleansing for me during the past few weeks as i've tried to get a grip on my life. Has it helped? Nope i'm still in denial and still confused about my emotions...but at least i know what my issues are!

It's just another struggle in this merry game of life we all play. As i have learnt life is incredibly short so there's not much point in wasting too much time on all these issues. It's best to tackle them as best as you can and battle on.

Tomorrow will be a battle. Once it's over i can put a lot of things behind me and try to move on. Not my Dad obviously. He'll always remain part of me but i mean the different aspects of my life which have gone oh so terribly wrong this year.

As i've said before 2008 has been worst year of my life. Toasting the new year on 31st December for a great new year full of optimism and hope. I had everything. I'd just started a moderately well paid job. I didn't have a lot of money but i truly was rich. Now i've lost everything i've held dear especially with the death of my Dad.

With the death of my Dad the rather dramatic "fall of David Rooney" was complete. Was it a fall from grace? Or a fall from the heedy heights i was once experiencing back in December. Or was i merely being poetic and overly dramatic yet again? Probably a bit of both. Plus it's a damn good catchy title for a blog. But in all seriousness I do consider this year as a fall for me. Everything that could have gone wrong has. Plus a lot more i've never mentioned.

Which moves me onto the next thing on my agenda. To capture the true shittiness of this year and what i've gone through i'm starting to write a short story about my year capturing every emotion, every event and event secret twist to 2008 that i experienced. A lot you will know about. A lot you won't. I don't know whether i'll ever publish it but it'll certainly be finished. I feel the need to put down the truly awfulness of this year in the written form so i can look back and hopefully see how i somehow recovered everything and rebuilt my house of cards next year in 2009. A wonderful new era? Here's hoping but i'm not going to bloody toast the year you can count on that.

So in closing tomorrow is to be a truly awful day for me. A day no one should go through for at least another 20 years. I'm going to miss my Dad a great deal which should probably grow as this fictional story finally sinks into my head as reality.

In closing though this should hopefully be the final emotional blog entry i ever write. I've heard from a lot of people who have read this site (which has surprised me people read...) and i'm sure they like emotional David. With a guy who makes jokes and hides behind witty remarks continously no one knows how he feels or who he truly is. It's hard to get to know someone who's like that. But unfortunately there's no changing me! The clown is me.

I've stated humour is my self defence mechanism. That is probably true. It's also who I am. Plus i've learnt that the people i'm close to know me and how i'm feeling regardless. I might be making a joke but deep down maybe they know what i'm feeling and how i'm acting. I mentioned the fact i sometimes feel that even though i don't know how i'm feeling and never would ask for help that deep down i'm screaming silently with everything going on and that no one can hear it. I've learnt in the past week that perhaps people can hear that silent scream.

That even though i may be making a joke about boobs people have cottoned on to the fact that something isnt right with me. That's a nice thing to know.

So that's how i'm closing tonights entry with a big thank you to those people who have helped me over the week and over the past 9 months. Whilst i've never told them face to face and they might not know themselves unless they read this (because being emotional face to face is awkward....) it has been the hardest year of my life and their friendship has been a great source of comfort for both me and my family. Obviously some people who have popped into my life again recently will disappear straight away but its still nice to know i made such an impact on their life that they felt the need to pass on a message to me during the bad times.

The impact i made on people to trigger this means that my Dad made a half decent human being after all! The good points people see in me to actually care about me during the bleak times are all the good parts of the personality i picked up from spending 22 years with my Dad. For that i'm eternally grateful to him. He was such a good human being and such a good Dad.

Until tomorrow friends, fans and lovers.

David